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Red face Hilarious Hair Removal!!!

I Was on another site and saw this I just had to share! Im so glad this wasnt me!!

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud. I laughed till I cried. I was howling... enjoy...


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal: The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours, "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!!

Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the HAIR???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch.

I am touching wax.

CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake.

Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door!

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!!!

Butt??? Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!!

Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub. The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now. I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!!

Right!!!!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!!! It really works!!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color......

?? or taken a test??

Haven't heard anything from her in a long time, just worried.

Just reminiscing lol what day did you get your bfp?

Mine was mothers day :)

I had my son jan 23 I love him to death but I started having sex while pp bleeding and I have a feeling I may be pregnant. Can I be so soon? He'll be one month tomorrow

what was the brownie in a mug recipe!!??

save my sanity!

my mom is constantly getting mad at me because my son wants to be held all the time. at first I thought you couldn't spoil a newborn and that if he cried I needed to tend to him fairly quick. but I starting to think my mom is right he cries and cries in wants to be held all day long. we are in the process of moving and I can never get anything done. if I do not tend to him right away his cries get louder and louder and before I know if he is full of sweat. what are your suggestions on how to break him from this bad habit? help!

does anyone have Any credited websites for work at home. don't want to go back to work but need income.

I swiped this from a friend on Facebook. Too good to not share! Enjoy ;)


Dear Non-Pregnant Person,


I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me – then you should probably read this twice.



1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.



2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.



3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…



4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.



5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about to pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.



6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.



7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.



8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.



9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.



10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.





Sincerely,

All the Pregnant Women in the World

just wondering how is every one heating their lo's bottles